[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket