I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want