@caseytduncan: I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
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@Jennarater: Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, 'How will I know when I'm an adult?' and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'