I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Hot hot hot 🥵
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Proctology is located in A55
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.