@caseytduncan: I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
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@XplodingUnicorn: Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert. God: No problem. Moses: But since you can make anything- God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
@Try2StopME: Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?" Me: "Cause I need a job very badly." Interviewer: "So?" Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"
@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.