@caseytduncan: I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
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@myonlymizztake: One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
@DiabeetusNurse: This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
@animaldrumss: [ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let's discuss ways they could improve their image
@meladoodle: A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"