@caseytduncan: I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
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@J0hnnyBlaze: Me: "Excuse me, hi" Her: "Um, I have a boyfriend" Me: "Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse"
@withanewname: *Jesus sits down at the bar* "The boss says we have to start charging you for water"
@ShaunRightNow: I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.