I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo