I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?