@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I'm temporarily delusional"
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@Mr_Kapowski: [helping my kid with contractions] Me: Would've Her: Would have M: Nice. I'll H: I will M: Good. Won't H: Won not M: Excellent
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
@DanMentos: *gets home from game* "whoa what happened to your eye" I was on the Kiss Cam "oh she wasn't into it?" with the t-shirt cannon guy's daughter
@nbadag: ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it