I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Breaking news:
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]