Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Mad Max Arctic Road
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
spicy snake
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra