I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.