@Thing_Finder: I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@UNTRESOR: Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
@MikeCanRant: 1) Find and catch a rabbit 2) Go to restaurant 3) Complain about a hare in your meal 4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet