“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand