“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw