@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
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@SuperApple8: Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer. Him: Mom, I'm doing my homework. Me: *claps* Star! Him: I hate Twitter. Me: *belch* blocked.
@AtticusFinch79: [murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let's track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast
@david8hughes: [first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything