@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
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@Tmoney68: [Job Interview] Boss: What is your best trait? Me: Procrastination. B: How is that a positive? M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today? 5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.
@awordforaword: Doesn't get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner. Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.