i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Fiction has to make sense.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.