Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
PLOT TWIST:
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.