I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12