I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
when you order from DoorDastardly
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Whoa 😂
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.