I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

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@buhsbaby_baby: [before sex] Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause' I'm not gonna take my backpack off

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@lisaxy424: No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

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@JT_IV_: Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster.

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@_Tempo11: If it looks like I'm typing for five minutes I'm really just trying to spell diarrhea.

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