I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.