I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Dammit Chief not again
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.