I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
no!! no!!!!!!
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
looks legit
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
How dude HOW?!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’M CRYINGGG