I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My dog learned how to text
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.