I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
giddy up Office Depot
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.