I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
no one likes gloating
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island