I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Britain be like
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I feel this so hard
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.