I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
The booster protects against what, now?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning