I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You Might Also Like
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Ok but actually
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.