I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin