I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
😏😏😏
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
first you must answer his riddles
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.