I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds