Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still