I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Writing, She Murdered.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever