Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Pickled cat.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Why font matters.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now