her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
fly smarter, not harder
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.