I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I have so many questions.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.