@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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@DumbConfessions: *jumps from plane* *forgets parachute* *grabs onto flying squirrel* *lives to tell the tale*
@bacon_gillepic: A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up Not gonna lie it felt good
@Mikecanrant: *puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.
@Steelers1972: You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.