I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man