@TheDailySchmuck: I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like.
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@RyanHolmquist: Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed Trump: I'm gonna be the president Castro: well then
@purplefuzzygirl: Men love when you kiss their neck.. Just not when they're driving And you're in the backseat. And they don't know you. Apparently.
@comedyfish: If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don't like it, you can always take them Bach
@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?