@TheDailySchmuck: I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like.
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@AdamTheLobster: This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
@cjwerleman: Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?