@Cpin42: I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@cool_pond: replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground
@dumbbeezie: When someone tells me they're sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.