I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh