this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
This probably isn’t good
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.