@lovemyboots111: I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
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@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@Sickayduh: Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.