@lovemyboots111: I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
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@waelwulf: Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
@KeetPotato: wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"
@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
@AsgardianRose: You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That's how I'm handling adulthood.