The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
dream blunt rotation
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Some people were born into their job.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”