@MartaEffing: I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
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@chopper4jk: I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
@LittleHarmonica: Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they're all like: You talk too much....and I want my Mommy.
@MatCro: GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: … G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair
@LuvPug: I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I'd finally start running