Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Ah yes. The three genders
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.