@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
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@OfficeofSteve: The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I'll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
@tastefactory: I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
@chopper4jk: The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"