@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
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@TedBundybitch: 14: what could happen? Me: you could get her pregnant. 14: im not comfortable putting my dingaling in her thingaling Me:*writes suicide note
@bromanconsul: congrats to those who made it onto my "Not A Lizard" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
@RidiculousSheri: I can't afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I'm wearing them.