ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*