I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”