Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
(2022)
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
6: are snakes just neck?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When you kidnap a writer.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3