I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Girl, same.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?