@10InchesPlus: I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@squirrel74wkgn: "What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
@NotKarma: Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…