@10InchesPlus: I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I've missed 3 mortgage payments.
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@Sickayduh: "Ma'am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them" - Oh no "This is Debra" - aww I like that "And this is Depanties"
@sbellelauren: whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work
@Cheeseboy22: If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.