Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse