I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
You Might Also Like
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one