I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.