“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers